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Spring in Oklahoma.. at some point you wind up glued to a news channel watching the storms rolling across the area.. and tonight is one of those times. I'm glad that they aren't anywhere near where I am, we've just had some rain/thunder storms yesterday/last night. But several places in the state havent been that lucky today.. a few cities have had confirmed tornadoes and a huge storm series that seems to just be hanging out over the central part of the state.. causing flooding, hail and potential tornadoes. Some places have had 4-7 inches of rain in the last 6 hours.

spring weather

Spring has finally appeared.. I was begining to think it had gotten lost somewhere along the way.

I'm stting here with the window open, a faint hint of dampness dances around on the night breeze bringing with it a promise of rain.

I wish it was raining now... the sound of it hitting the world outside, low rumbles of thunder adding its voice to the music.. lulling me to a much needed nights sleep.

Even without the lullabye of a spring rain, I still have a need for a full night of sleep.. Working long hours and staying up late for family time or me time is making me weary. I guess I could just chalk it up to old age, but I think I'll swim in denial of that fact for a while longer and just blame it on the hectic life that I'm living at the moment.

While it won't be restfull enough and nowhere near long enough, I am still going to draw tonight to a close and fall into my waiting bed.

Mar. 16th, 2015

So, I've had an iteresting couple of days in terms of memories and revalations...

I was going through some things over the weekend and ran across some emails from forever ago. They instantly made me smile and have a flood of regrets at the same time. I was smiling because I could remember his voice, conversations we had and that I had given my heart to him for so many reasons. I regret that i was a coward and to afraid of rejection to take the risk of going to the next step. It hurt like hell when I let him go and I wish I would have just took the leap... dealing with the rejection if things hadn't worked couldn't be any harder than dealing with the loss of a friend and maybe more. So I'll chose to remember the good things and let the what ifs stay buried in the back of my mind... where they stay until something happens to resurrect them.

The revalations are that I seem to be the queen of excuses and procrastination....

I always come up with good plans and the best of intentions for following them, but never seem to follow through.  So while it may be an uphill battle (5 miles, both ways, in the snow) I have got to start kicking my own ass and doing what i need to do! I'm not happy with the way some things are but i'm to complacent. I have to change the way i think, the way i rationalize my thinking and just my overall lack of stick-to-it-ive-ness.. Turning over a new leaf may not be an easy task but one that must be done.

For tonight, while what ifs and do this are racing around my head, I'm calling it a night.. being dead tired and cranky will not help anything.





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Mar. 7th, 2015

Today was one of those days that remind you that spring is in the not so distant future. No snow, ice or rain, no temperatures that make you think bears have the right idea, just sunshine and warmth. It was a good day to do a little yard work, refill the bird bath and feeder for my little feathered friends and to just take a drive to nowhere.

Now all I want to do is go to sleep.

It doesn't matter if I'm watching something, on the computer or working on my smash book, a couple of hours after sunset it's like the good night switch gets flipped. I don't know how many times in the past month I have dozed off at my desk. I don't know if it's just long hours at work, a late case of the winter doldrums, getting older or a combonation of all of it..but it sucks. I'm hoping that the weather will start staying nice enough I can start going to the park for some sun and exercise. Maybe that and getting a couple of good nights of sleep will get me past this. I used to be such a night owl, but I guess thats flown out the window.

Since my eyes refuse to want to stay open I suppse I'll call it a night.

Mar. 5th, 2015

For some reason today I was thinking about doing an online journal again. It's been forever since I've been on here and find it strange that while things have changed so many things are still the same..
I feel like I'm on the verge of making a lot of changes in my life. There are so many things that I want to change or improve on and really have to stop making excuses and holding myself back.
So, I think for tonight I'm going to read what I wrote a few years ago and think about what is still the same, think about how things are currently and how I want things to be and how I'm going to get there. I'm hoping maybe if I journal more it will help me get on a path to where I want to be...

So, I'm not dead or dying even though I haven't been around in a while. The past couple of weeks have been a challenge, the cracks in the facade I usually keep up have been threating to break. It's been harder to act like nothing is wrong or that I'm handling everything ok.
I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time right now. Things were much worse a few months ago, my dad was much sicker, we were having to move suddenly and I had so much stress going on at work I decided to step down. In all honesty a few months ago I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me from doing it was my son & my parents, I couldn't do that to them. 
We got moved, my dad has actually been doing better, and work has been somewhat less stressful although I did lose money by stepping down. Right now the worst thing is that the money just isn't stretching far enough. So things should be getting better, not worse.
The thing that has been really bothering me the last couple of weeks is ME..  I'm lost, there are so many pieces of me that I can't find anymore... I've never been amazing or perfect or completely happy with my self but right now I don't even know who I am, I'm just going through the motions.  Sometimes I think I see a glimpse of the old me, or who I want to be, in the mirror but it never lasts long.
I used to have a spark, some orginality, now I'm just blah... I'm boring, withdrawn, forgettable and sad. If I stopped existing today most people would forget me in a few weeks.  I want my spark back, I want to go back to being quirky, fun, unpredictable.. I want fun back. I don't want to be sad or have to hide behind a mask all the time. I don't know how I'm going to do it & it probably won't be easy but I have to work on getting myself back.. I don't know if I need some kind of meds for depression or just need to kick myself in the ass and get over it or both. So as of now the struggle begins.. the fight to find myself again....

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Well..its been forever

Ugh..I hate house hunting... Will we get that one, can we afford this one, should we wait a little longer...so many questions & not enough answers. And then after all the decisions are made you still have the actaul moving to do. Having to pack everything just to unpack it, trying to remember how you got the furniture into the house to get it out of the house, remembering to get all the utilities, mail, etc switched over...

I think we've decided on one.. and honestly I have mixed feelings about it. It is definitely the most affordable of the ones we've looked at so far, I wish it were a little bigger & a little nicer but right now we really can't be super fussy about that. Most of anything we had in savings has long since gone to doctor bills & catching up on bills after my dad had to quit work. Which means that for the most part we are now living paycheck to paycheck (& retail paychecks aren't that big, his social security doesn't go to far either in this day & age). As a result, you go with what you can afford, not what you wish you could. 
The pluses....affordable, will be able to get new appliances, can keep our dogs, my son should be in the same school distract, won't be to much of a struggle to afford after my dad passes away, will be able to save money to get into a better place.   The minuses...house isn't very big, smaller yard than what we have now, could be in a little better shape..

Just thinking about all of this makes my head hurt.. Guess we will just have to see what happens. Wish me luck...

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Feb. 18th, 2012

OK..so previous journal was as impossible35... that one will probably either go to a private journal or be deleted... I'm just getting this one set up so it might be a couple of days before I really start using it as I intend. So this is just kind of a introduction/explanation to those that I'm adding and are wondering who the hell is adding them, lol. Some of you will know this name but others not so much.. so anyway... yea, feel free to add me back if you like.